Stop being stupid

 'Stop being stupid!'

A parent, first embarrassed then increasingly angry, standing over a boy who is crying but can't articulate the reason why - he just feels overwhelmed.

'Stop being stupid!'

The same boy, but now it's a teacher telling him not to be upset and angry.

'Stop being stupid!'

The boy, now a young man, in one of his first jobs, trying to articulate what he wants in life, but being ridiculed by an older, more cynical colleague

'Stop being stupid!'

The same man, now nearing middle age, talking to himself when he is trying to process a huge, sorrowful event in his life and finds himself crying, alone in a room.

Hindsight, it is said, is a wonderful thing.

It's very easy to see patterns, for example. And this one is about how negative feelings, or needs and desires that don't fit with the norms of a given set of people,  get slapped down, repressed, ignored and finally self-censored. And then, all too often, the pattern repeats. How often was the parent told not to be stupid, or the teacher? How often was that coworker told they were stupid for dreaming? 

How often do we tell ourselves not to be stupid when we are sad, or miserable, anxious, worried, when we find it hard to really express the why of our emotions?

It's OK - negative feelings come and go in our lives. It's OK - dreams are normal and they're not stupid.

And that's what I try to tell myself, but sometimes it's a hard thing to remember, hence why I'm writing this. We're told that negative feelings are bad, and that we shouldn't express them - but it's better to reframe them, expect them to happen, and find a way to explore the whys and the hows of them.

The same man. His five-year-old son is crying.

'What's the matter?'

An inchoate answer. The man pauses.

'Well, I can't understand you when you're crying so much. Let's clean you up and try again.'