The Nth Columnist

No, it isn't. He's a berserk orange bollock having a temper tantrum. I win! Bigly! Fake Everything! Sad! So here's something completely different. Turn off your radio, turn off your TV, turn off Twitter, turn off Facebook, close your laptop. Breathe in, nice and deep. Hold it a while. Now exhale, letting all your anger, worries and fears go with your breath. Repeat. Now stand up, let your arms hang loose and relaxed, then bend down from the waist. Let your arms stay nice and floppy. Now slowly, gradually, one vertebra at a time, start rising up again. Feel your back stretch and fold and slide into place. When you're standing up straight, raise your chin and look upwards. Imagine you're stretching for the sky and raise your arms, reaching out to their fullest extent. Imagine yourself as a tree in new summer light, your feet reaching deep into the earth, your fingers brushing the air. Breathe again, and expand into the moment: Make yourself as ta...

So, farewell, Barack Obama: As many have already said, we're all going to miss your cool, unruffled presidency. Your farewell speech was gracious, calm and generous. It struck the tone that a President should: inclusive, hopeful, helpful and slightly detached. OK folks, I hope you've got your safety belts on now, as it looks as if we're in for one hell of a ride.... I watched Mr Trump's Press conference today. If I'm being generous, it is best described as being markedly different in tone from Mr Obama's valediction. If I'm being honest, it was the most jaw-dropping, godawful, car crash of a press briefing I have ever seen. You don't want to hear what my opinion would be if I were to be negative. I really don't know where to begin with it. You may have noticed that this post is beginning to read like a theatre review, and that is because it is, in a way. This was Trumpian Theatricality at its darkest and most brutal. It started with an ...

Autumn, the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, when people of a certain bent turn their minds to party political conferences..... You don't - can't -  expect much sense from Conference season. After all, they're basically big freebie jamborees for the converted: It pretty much doesn't matter what you say from the podium, you'll get a cheer. Having said that, what has been emanating from the Conservative Party Conference would be genuinely jaw-dropping in the breadth of its inanity, asinine attitudes, and dementedly cheerful willing capacity to ignore basic truths, were it not for the fact that Brexit has inured us all to such lunacy. Look at what's been said: We will essentially cut the continent off from the mainland; Africa is, according to Boris Johnson, the Foreign Secretary, a country; the future of the poor will be picking fruit for the rich; we can sell English Air to the Chinese; We'll train more doctors and kick the foreign ones out by ...

It has been, to put it mildly, one hell of a time in politics. As I write, Andrea Leadsom has withdrawn from the contest to be the next Prime Minister, leaving Theresa May unopposed; and David Cameron has announced that Ms. May will take over on Wednesday evening. He must have one hell of a good removals company - it usually takes months to move house, but he appears to be going with extraordinary expeditiousness. It's almost as if he'd been planning this months ago... Meanwhile, over on the other side of the chamber, Angela Eagle has announced she will challenge Jeremy Corbyn for the leadership of the Labour Party. Just when we needed a united main opposition party the most, we find that once again we're back to the bad old eighties, and the Tories' capacity for holding onto power no matter the cost comes into play. And while the chicanery and treachery continue in Westminster, all the rest of us are trying to get on with our lives, and I'm sure that I'm...

This has been quite possibly the five most depressing days in the life of the British body politic. Well, it seems the Prime Minister was right when he said 'We're all in it together'. It was just that he crucially omitted to mention what the 'it' was. It seems I may well have been right when I said that senior politicians were playing a game with the referendum, but it is now apparent that the Opposition also need to pile in and play Silly Buggers, too. There's an Ex-Prime Minister, presumably pining for the fjords of Chipping Norton or whatever, meekly bending over in Brussels to have his bum deservedly kicked by other European leaders; Labour's front bench resigning and Jeremy Corbyn so desperate for a cabinet that he's phoned IKEA; Boris Johnson and Michael Gove looking as abject and useless as a pair of opened condoms in a lesbian orgy; Farage shouting Ya Boo Sucks in the European parliament; and only Nicola Sturgeon seems to have any form o...

Three little words that mean so much to so many - and yet are used to mask so much. It's coming up for midday on the post-Referendum UK now. I can't pretend I'm not deeply affected by the outcome. Disappointed, yes; Somewhat angry, yes, but calmer now; Truly surprised? Not entirely. And that honourable man, David Cameron, has done the honourable thing and respectfully, with dignity, has proffered his resignation. Because, as we all know, David Cameron is an honourable man. Indeed, this covey of triumphant politicians - Mr. Duncan Smith, Mr. Gove, Mr. Farage, and above all Mr. Johnson - are all gentlemen of honourable intent. The Prime Minister has said 'The British people have voted...and their will must be respected'. And he is a respectful man. Mr. Johnson has said 'This is a glorious opportunity...for the UK'. And he is an honourable man. Mr Farage has called today 'our independence day', with all his usual reserve and dignity, and ...

...or doing the EU Hokey-Cokey, part two. Right. I am now officially fed up of this bloody campaign. I am fed up of these stupid, overfed, overentitled, immature morons treating this referendum as if it were some silly little game played out on Eton's fields, a game that will end with a 'well played, old chap' and a handshake, and nothing more. I am fed up of the culpability, moral blindness, and sheer vanity of the politicians who have been most prominent in the media. I am fed up that you do not understand whatsoever that you are playing with the very real lives of very real people, and all you can do is muster up false outrage, false claims, and false rhetoric. You splutter at the claims of the other side: it is false spluttering. You rebut a lie with another lie, and it is nothing more than a game of Risk played on a very real field of conflict. You are a disgrace to us all. Instead, I have talked with people in all sorts of places, and had real conversation...