The Nth Columnist

This has been quite possibly the five most depressing days in the life of the British body politic. Well, it seems the Prime Minister was right when he said 'We're all in it together'. It was just that he crucially omitted to mention what the 'it' was. It seems I may well have been right when I said that senior politicians were playing a game with the referendum, but it is now apparent that the Opposition also need to pile in and play Silly Buggers, too. There's an Ex-Prime Minister, presumably pining for the fjords of Chipping Norton or whatever, meekly bending over in Brussels to have his bum deservedly kicked by other European leaders; Labour's front bench resigning and Jeremy Corbyn so desperate for a cabinet that he's phoned IKEA; Boris Johnson and Michael Gove looking as abject and useless as a pair of opened condoms in a lesbian orgy; Farage shouting Ya Boo Sucks in the European parliament; and only Nicola Sturgeon seems to have any form o...

Three little words that mean so much to so many - and yet are used to mask so much. It's coming up for midday on the post-Referendum UK now. I can't pretend I'm not deeply affected by the outcome. Disappointed, yes; Somewhat angry, yes, but calmer now; Truly surprised? Not entirely. And that honourable man, David Cameron, has done the honourable thing and respectfully, with dignity, has proffered his resignation. Because, as we all know, David Cameron is an honourable man. Indeed, this covey of triumphant politicians - Mr. Duncan Smith, Mr. Gove, Mr. Farage, and above all Mr. Johnson - are all gentlemen of honourable intent. The Prime Minister has said 'The British people have voted...and their will must be respected'. And he is a respectful man. Mr. Johnson has said 'This is a glorious opportunity...for the UK'. And he is an honourable man. Mr Farage has called today 'our independence day', with all his usual reserve and dignity, and ...

...or doing the EU Hokey-Cokey, part two. Right. I am now officially fed up of this bloody campaign. I am fed up of these stupid, overfed, overentitled, immature morons treating this referendum as if it were some silly little game played out on Eton's fields, a game that will end with a 'well played, old chap' and a handshake, and nothing more. I am fed up of the culpability, moral blindness, and sheer vanity of the politicians who have been most prominent in the media. I am fed up that you do not understand whatsoever that you are playing with the very real lives of very real people, and all you can do is muster up false outrage, false claims, and false rhetoric. You splutter at the claims of the other side: it is false spluttering. You rebut a lie with another lie, and it is nothing more than a game of Risk played on a very real field of conflict. You are a disgrace to us all. Instead, I have talked with people in all sorts of places, and had real conversation...

We're all doing the EU Hokey-Cokey, whether we like it or not. Wait long enough, and the same old things come back round. Fashions come, go and return - we seem to be in a bit of a 90s Nostalgiafest at the moment, for example. This is bad enough, as there is nothing worse than one's youth and young manhood being repackaged as History, but I am damn glad that there is currently no serious attempt to bring back the 70s. Cheesecloth shirts. Flares and platform shoes. Really BAD hair. The great smell of Brut. And, for me, the sheer terror that was any form of group dancing. The Hokey-Cokey in particular - you have no idea how much I hated that bloody dance. My seven-year-old self couldn't grasp why anyone would ever want to do it - I mean, what for? OK, here's my left leg in...now you want me to take it out..right...and the same process with my right leg....why are we doing this, and why do we now need to do this again? My Eyes! My Eyes! They're Bleeding! I...